What is it to be NICE?

On Niceness, Kindness, and Character

Be nice.

We've all heard the directive. As children, we're told to be nice to our siblings, our neighbors and friends. It's a reasonable expectation. Pleasantness, courtesy, and consideration make living alongside one another considerably easier.

But what exactly does it mean to be nice? And is niceness a virtue?

We tend to regard nice people as good people. We describe someone as such a nice person and assume we've said something meaningful about their character.

A person can be pleasant without being kind. Agreeable without being honest. Polite without being principled.

Niceness and goodness are not the same thing.

Is Niceness a Virtue?

The ancient Greek philosopher Socrates (469–399 BCE) devoted much of his thinking to questions of virtue, wisdom, and what it means to live a good life.

For Socrates, examining our beliefs and conduct was essential to developing moral character. Being regarded favorably by others was no substitute for examining whether our actions were just, wise, or good.

This is an interesting distinction to bring to our modern preoccupation with being nice.

Niceness generally concerns how we behave toward others and how that behavior is received. Virtue concerns something deeper: the quality of our judgment, our intentions, and our conduct.

The two can overlap beautifully.

But they can also part company.

When Nice Isn't Kind

Imagine that a friend asks your opinion about an important decision.

You believe they're making a serious mistake.

You could smile, nod, offer reassurance, and tell them precisely what they want to hear.

Very nice.

Or you could tell them, thoughtfully and respectfully, what you actually believe.

Not necessarily pleasant. Possibly unwelcome. Potentially the kinder response.

We encounter variations of this dilemma throughout life.

A parent who establishes unpopular boundaries may be acting with considerably more care than one who agrees to everything. A colleague who raises an uncomfortable concern may be serving an organization better than someone who remains pleasantly silent.

Kindness sometimes requires courage. Honesty sometimes produces discomfort. Doing what is right doesn't always make us popular, and being agreeable is not the same as being good.

The Faces of Niceness

None of this means niceness is unimportant.

Everyday courtesy has considerable value. A friendly greeting, a thoughtful gesture, a little patience with someone who's having a difficult day—these small acts can make life more pleasant for everyone involved.

Niceness helps us cooperate, navigate differences, and move through ordinary social encounters with a degree of grace.

But pleasant behavior doesn't always reveal the intentions behind it.

We may be nice because we genuinely care. We may also be nice because we want approval, hope to avoid conflict, wish to make a favorable impression, or simply find it easier to agree than to object.

Sometimes we're nice because we're kind.

Sometimes we're nice because being otherwise would be inconvenient.

The outward behavior may look remarkably similar.

This is what makes niceness such a slippery measure of character.

A pleasant manner tells us something about how a person behaves in a particular moment. It doesn't necessarily tell us what that person believes, values, or will do when circumstances become difficult.

Beyond Nice

Perhaps the trouble begins when we treat niceness as a moral destination rather than a useful social quality. Being nice is often easy when everyone agrees, expectations are met, and nothing important is at stake.

The more revealing questions emerge when honesty threatens harmony, when kindness demands an unpopular decision, or when doing what is right carries a personal cost.

Will we remain considerate? Can we be truthful without being cruel? Are we willing to disappoint someone when circumstances call for it?

These questions take us beyond appearances and into character.

Niceness has its place. A very useful place, in fact.

But being nice and being good are not interchangeable accomplishments.

Niceness makes us agreeable. Character reveals itself when being agreeable is no longer enough.